Maybe it’s too late. Maybe I’m too messed up for you, but I want to do it really right this time and I mustered up all the courage that I could ever have. I have been hesitating to even message you for almost a year and a half now. It’s been a push and pull on my end and until recently that pull has been winning the seemingly never ending tug of war inside me. I was too much of a coward, I was scared of doing this all over again because I don’t want to lose you as a friend. I have gone through this once before and the price to pay was too much. I don’t want to lose you, or atleast lose you now and never get the chance ever again when I’m not as messed up and maybe have a better chance at us then.
Alam ni C at ni V to. They are witnesses on how I tried to muster up courage and how I failed to do so most times. I just want you to know that what I feel is real. It wasn’t because of this quarantine madness and it wasn’t because I was bored or something like that. I was trying to fight it at first. Remember the first time uli na nakapagusap tayo ng matagal? After you broke up with your asshole of an ex? I was thinking about it hard then, pero honestly, I cannot take any feelings from that time seriously. I was in a bad, bad place. Siguro hindi evident when we were talking, but I was still deep in my battle with depression. I don’t want to do it, because it wouldn’t be fair to you. I had a small feeling na you kinda wanted it too based sa way ng paguusap natin then, but I could be wrong. I am thankful na I didn’t jump the gun just because you were there. I could have hurt you then and there and you could have hurt me too. You were moving on, and I thought if I did it, I would be doing it just for the sake of having someone like you on my corner in my darkest times, and I could be your rebound. I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but it was a possibility then. It’s just a recipe for disaster, for the both of us.
Then, I think you healed and got better. I did too. Though I think I’m still messed up, I’m miles ahead mentally from where I was years ago. I still have my fair share of struggles, but I learned to cope. I have these moments where I just went on a break with social media because I need to stop comparing myself to others on an hourly basis. I need to heal every now and then. I remember posting an IG story about this and my decision just to make people around me aware and know where to reach me if needed. You were the only one to acknowledge it. You were the only one to care enough. Just like how you were the only one to care enough and message me nung nagdrop ako from college. You literally saved me even though you were the last person I would have thought to check up on me and help me. I can’t stop thanking you for that, and I don’t think I ever will. It was the only message in my life that I cried hard to kasi I knew then that there was still someone there who cared in the time where I felt most broken and alone. That simple message after nung story ko about doing a social media detox, reminded me of what I loved and wasted about you. It all started again then and there. I tried to fight it at first, denied it and even told no one at that time about it. Not that I don’t want it, but that you deserve more than a deadbeat than me and that I really don’t want to risk and lose you in my life, regardless of how small it seemed to feel like on your end. I don’t want that. I paid a hefty price with my risk kay K, not only did I hurt you badly then, but I lost her as a friend too. I am so scared of that. Ayoko, especially with how you were there for me on my darkest times and I still haven’t repaid you for that.
It hurt me to see you hurting since then. You may not think that I didn’t pay attention on how you are doing, but I did. I saw your tweets, I heard from our friends. But I still can’t message you even to just let you know that I am here for you. I was too scared. I should have, regardless. But I just can’t then. I’m sorry. If you have received these messages with your life verse from random numbers, it was me. I was too scared to message you that I even resorted to a free text service just to let you know that you are not alone. But again, I was too much of a coward. Then in January, I stopped fighting it and kinuwento ko na kay C then kay V and they have been pushing me to do so na for months and I still didn’t. Then one time, nagmessage ka sakin sa ig. It started a conversation. I was shaking. Then we talked, but you took your time in answering. From hours, to days. Oh, it felt like an eternity. I can’t blame you, I was flustered and I really can’t talk to you that well. I also had to respect that you just didn’t want to talk at that time or that you just took your time. But ultimately, I came to the conclusion that you just didn’t want to talk to me. So I just didn’t bug you even if I had some momentum.
Then eto na nga, nung bumagyo. I just was thinking about you really hard. I was hearing news na lubog na sa province niyo yung iba and that lubog din yung lugar niyo so I had to. I just had to. Sobrang kinakabahan ako nun for you. So di ko na masyado pinagisipan, and I just messaged you. I even checked in on our friend, and one of your best friends R, though concerned din ako, I was more sure na she’s safe since same province, pero I just did that para lang ba hindi halata na ikaw lang yung minessage ko haha, because hindi ko naman pinlan na umamin in the first place, I just wanted to check on you. I know na close kayong dalawa and you’ll end up talking about it. Pero yun nga, after that initial message, I just went for it. I just rode that momentum na din and I was fueled by my friends’ encouragement, even though I feel na you’re not interested in me. I chose to risk. That choice still haunts me every minute because I may end up losing you altogether if we don’t work. That scares every bit of me. But I’m here na. There’s no going back. You’re aware now. I’m scared kasi I know that you may think na I’m just messaging you kasi I am bored or lonely pero that cannot be farther from the truth. I hope this letter somehow proves that to you. Kasi I’m aware na you think na rebound lang kita or something from K before. You said it to me nung nagkaclosure tayo. And uulitin ko, hell no.
I loved and I still love you for who you are, and not for what you do or when you came into my life. I have loved you with no conditions and I can say that I still do, Panda. I don’t care anymore what our friends, or your friends say about me or my motives. I love you, and I want to prove that to you. All I want is a fair chance, Panda. We’re different people now. We have grown, and matured and learned from the painful of pains. I just want this one chance.
I mean, haven’t you ever thought how life could be so different if we ended up together 4 years ago? Would we still be together even now? We have both suffered great heartbreaks that have definitely changed us since then, and it was all mainly because of life’s terrible timing. If we were together, could we have saved each other a lot of pain inflicted by others? Maybe. I know looking back at what ifs do nothing other than hurt, pero Panda I mean just consider it. Even though I may look like a deadbeat to you now na walang direction, but I am trying to better myself. If Covid didn’t happen, I would be in college again now. For now, I am looking for work, to help support the family because Covid hit us hard and I need to help. All I’m saying is, I am trying to be better, not just for myself and my family, but for you. I want to prove to you that I am a man who you could have a future with. All I need is a fair shot to do so, Panda. I am not the same guy who was immature and who locked you out when I’m going through something. More than anyone, I now know how being alone and denying the existence of my demons destroys from the inside. I learned it the hard way. I’d want nothing more than to be consistent and to prove myself to you. But I’ll understand if you don’t want to. It’ll hurt a lot, but atleast I would have risked it even if it costs what remains of my ties to you. You’re that worth it. I wouldn’t do all this if you aren’t. Please do think about it.