sorry ang sakit lang talaga ng puso ko ngayong gabi.
sadness and anger. i want to cry it all out, loudly. ang tagal ko nang umiiyak ng palihim sa gabi. minsan ‘pag gising. minsan, out of the blue… biglang sa tanghali o hapon. for once, gusto kong umiyak naman ng malakas. i want to scream so bad. gusto kong magwala sa sobra-sobrang kalungkutan.
i am in so much agony. it scares me how it’s possible for me, a happy person, to feel this way and suppress this emotion in front of many people.
maayos at masayang pamilya. that’s all i ever ask for. as a daughter, as a child. but i dont know. i honestly dont know.
hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sa amin.
i truly believe they’re good people. just flawed. so f-ing flawed. and here i am, continuously holding on to this thin string of hope that everything’s gonna be alright in the end.
i dont want to think such things but…
ive become angry
it’s been so long, tumatanda na kami. hindi tumitigil ang oras sa mundo na ‘to. ganito nalang ba ang mangyayari sa amin? ang daming oras na nasasayang.
i always had this inner & deep fear of running out of time.
ayokong pagdating ng panahon, may mawawala nang hindi pa kami nagkakabati lahat. that would surely be my downfall. ayokong dumating at mangyari yun.
sila lang ang meron ako. this is my home. they are my home. even if it pains me so much. even if it’ll be the reason of my death, this will always be my home. this is where, i believe, i belong. dito ako lumaki. ang tahanan ko.
i know i am not the only one in our family. hindi lang ako nag-iisa. kahit pakiramdam ko, ako nalang ang lumalaban sa amin. i can still never be sure of that, no one’s sure of that.
i am crying for my family that i, cherish so dearly.
sadness and anger.
i wanna let it all out.
someday, i wish for us to reconcile. for us to fix ourselves. i am not asking us to bring back the past. i just want us to heal. to forgive. to start new. to be stronger. magkasama pa man o hindi. i want us to learn our lessons.
the love i have for this family is the purest thing i ever felt in this world kaya kahit masakit, di ko ‘to susukuan.
no matter how dark and lonely it is where i am right now. ‘di ko kakalimutan ang mga oras na ito. because if i did, i may never learn my lesson.
the times i shed tears for the people who brought me to this world, the ones i love the most. i will remember this.
aakyat ako sa pinakamataas at isisigaw ko lahat ng hinanakit ko. my frustrations. my all.
i will cry, loudly.
then, i’ll face my family. dahil kung ‘di nila sisimulan ayusin ito, ako na ang gagawa ng unang hakbang.
i can still see hope.
balang araw. pangako.