I have recently learned that truth is subjective.
Wherein secondary sources interpret the raw data according to their own beliefs.
Sources vary and it’s always better to know the information straight from the source.
And in this story, there are two.
The point of views from me and you.
Sagot ko noong sinabi mo
‘Handa na ako’
– Dela Cruz (2019)
Our story ended and started there.
That was what YOU wanted the world to know
Handing me the role of the villain
Ungrateful, evil, and ruthless.
Now I speak before you today,
On this fine 2nd of October.
Ladies and gentlemen,
We took the risk
We created our own infinity
Short-lived, flawed, but truly ours
I know a few witness who could attest,
but the numbers have dropped,
and they left with the sour taste in their mouth when they utter my name
There less of those who remain in my life
But they remain your close friends
We did not have the love story like Romeo and Juliet,
I did not write this to capture the hearts of many
I did not write this piece to show the world how great we were
It’s to leave a mark, a proof
That in those moments we got to snatch up and call ours
Our love was real, it wasn’t just a figment of my imagination
or maybe it’s to find people who’d come forward
to tell me I’m not delusional and we were once real
In those moments hidden from prying eyes who watched our every move
I made us our own safe haven
where the walls keep the secrets of
the laughter that bounced off the walls, the slow dances in the living room
those four corners that witnessed our firsts
the four corners that witnessed the first time I truly stripped
because I trusted you, because I loved you.
’08 , Katipunan
Leaving that place made my anxiety levels sky rocket
It truly was frightening to be thrown to unfamiliar waters
Mom and dad did all they can to console me,
I thought I had everything figured out
Leave for a year, grab the opportunity
But know, it’s a fresh start for this chapter
Almost everything of what I once had was cut off over summer
Felt like it was, but in truth, only the major connections
That summer not only did I hold a funeral for the friendships that died, but also for the
dreams and set-plans my head and heart set itself onto.
I was too focused on setting goals and plans with us in mind,
I guess I was the only one
I was devastated, at times I still do go back and have relapses on the pain
I’d go in circles finding my fault on why we had to end
But then the truth is,
You are not brave for breaking up with me in what you considered “gentle”
You are not brave for ignoring me for a long time in order to heal yourself and move on
Cut out the bullshit, you’re a coward.
Your reasons were flawed.
Your reasons were illogical.
Because you rather give holed reasons rather than facing it like a man
I couldn’t hate you for that, I couldn’t hate you for choosing yourself
I want you to think about this
You should have not picked me in the first place
Well I doubt you really “picked” me,
You were lucky enough to have me take the bait when I was vulnerable
I gave you all I can, I loved you fiercely
I am too much for you, that’s for sure.
Because I know that when I set my heart to something
The drive follows and it consumes me
Just like when I set my heart to love you
I saw the possibilities, I saw what could be
Too bad the reality weighed down what could be
I want to thank you for ending it
I know I wouldn’t be able to
I’m too kind that even if I knew I deserved way more than what you offered
I’d go the extra mile to cover it
I’d turn a blind eye on how your efforts were the bare minimum
I’m a drama queen.
Yes, I’ll take that title you’ve so graciously given me a couple months back
I am too much of everything
Too dramatic, too emotional, too loving
That’s what makes me uniquely me
And you’ll miss it.
When the day comes you find yourself taken back to a moment we shared
I want you to remember how deeply I loved you
I want you to remember the care and the love
I want you to remember that I let everything slide
I want you to remember that I stood by you
I want you to remember that even when you were against the world and people hated you,
I was always there to support you in everything that you set your heart to
I want you to remember that I was always there for you
Early on I said I wrote this to leave a mark and proof from a primary source of how things went down
It would not matter to you
It would not be formally written down in history books
This testimony does not matter, its insignificant
Heck it was time consuming to find the right words and phrases to put together
I did this for me, I’m choosing myself.
This would be the last few pages of our chapter
And maybe releasing this ending would help me
This is my own closure
I’m not letting the ghost of the past weigh me down anymore
Because I know there aren’t any skeletons in my closet
Except your jersey and the black and white beads scattered on the floor
In the words of an admirable woman known by many,
“It’s not my job to make you feel like a man. I can’t make you something you’re not.”
I wish you all the best, oh and Happy Birthday, Kisig.
All the love,